Sunday, July 27, 2008

Letting Go...

Today I am letting go.
Kicking.
Screaming.
Crying.
Mourning.

Willing yet unwilling.
Needing to, yet not wanting to.
But I had to.
I have to.

Funny how when all the pieces fall into place there is still a void.
Too many things questions unquestioned and unanswered.
No.
This is not about guarantees.
Rather, it's about choices.

I am choosing to let go.

Not sure if I should have, but I feel as if I don't I will never know what I need to know.
And for that matter neither will you.

I hope you will read this because I am not brave enough to say it.
It's a choice I had to make.
It's a choice I have to make.
Sorry.

8 comments:

Nana Yaw Asiedu said...

Denise, I won't be so presumptuous as to think the theme of this poem is Love. However, it seems like the perfect foil for my own present dilemma (Remember my post on A Sudden Flare of Lightning?). Because that, too, is about letting go.

What if the person who must read these words does not? Will they be wasted, inanimate, on these pages? Because they are more than art, they have feeling, a life of their own.

Never seen you write so personal. Maybe you also are more in touch with your deepest feelings with poetry (rather than prose).

Denise said...

Hi Nana Yaw, did feel a bit vulnerable about putting this out there but yes, I guess that is a part of letting go. My aim was to just get the issues out of my head and into the open - for me to vent. If it's not read by whom I directed it to that's also fine, because selfishly this is about how I feel.

It's also not about giving up (or running away as I am prone to), rather I just need to step back, digest, clear my head and hopefully then I will be able to see things for what they are, and not for what I would like them to be. That for me is important, as it will affect my choices.

To be honest I just wanted to say how I feel and was too scared to say it directly.

Interesting you see it as a poem - wasn't written as such. That's just how it came out.

posekyere said...

For goodness sake, Denise, why don't you display a more resolute posture than you have choosen.

I believe there is a need for more killer instinct when you are making a choice to let go. This one,to be frank,won't do the job unless of course you want to prolong the agony for yourself and the intended recipient.
I do not intend to be hard-hearted but I believe once you have decided on closing a chapter,firmness and absolute resolve are indespensable.

Hoping all goes well for all involved.

Denise said...

Hmmm, that was frank! Felt the proverbial slap on my hand so to speak Posekyere.

Why do you think I am not resolute and am missing the firmness and resolve to which you referred?

Maya said...

I love this Denise, so beautiful, so personal, so sad. I don't really agree that it's not resolute, feels more like the road to getting there has been full of indecision and backs and forths, but now you know for sure.

I hope you've made the right decision. It's sounds like you know you have.

Nana Yaw Asiedu said...

About the piece (and your posture)being resolute or otherwise, I agree with Maya. I believe you got the texture just about right - frustration but not despair, confusion but not tears. Simply by writing (and coherently so too) life is going on, and you are dealing with the situation. I also agree that regardless of whether the "target" reads it or not, yor catharsis is complete...or almost.

Yes, I called it poem because I was wondering if you'd accept it at that. How about stream of consciousness?

Denise said...

Thanks Maya. I know the decision is the right one. While I do need and seek the closure on some issues, I think letting go also means giving myself space to see what's really there (or not). Actually, not feeling sad. Feeling calmer and strangely more assured for having said it. The beauty of venting, uh?

Denise said...

Nana, must confess that usually I am so anal when it comes to expressing any thing remotely emotional that I would say this came straight from my stream of unconsciousness. If I had sat and thought about it, or even written it out on paper first, I perhaps would have added it to the other posts I promised I wouldn't post.